At this point, there’s nothing more that Bernie Sanders can do to be President. After winning the delegate count and popular vote, Hillary Clinton has officially been endorsed by the beloved Senator Elizabeth Warren, Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama. Yet, Bernie is still pushing forward. Just when you think his campaign is gone, he flares up like a bad case of herpes. Now, there’s much speculation about what will Bernie do next. I have a few suggestions. Here are some things Bernie Sanders can do post the democratic primary.
Become the new MJ crying face. Let’s face it, we’re getting wane of the MJ crying face. And a new endearing crying face will do my Instagram feed good. We could Photoshop it into the map of the US after the Obamas leave the Whitehouse. We could Photoshop it onto Chris Christie’s face once Donald Trump decides not to select him as Vice President after all that a** licking. And ultimately, we could Photoshop it on Donald Trump once he loses the election.
Become a bird magician in the Universoul Circus. The Bernie Bird. It was a sign from heaven. It was like God himself sent this bird down to appoint the agnostic politician as our next leader. Bernie’s our phoenix. I can definitely see Bernie flipping birds and doing all kinds of shady tricks. First one, having Bernie Bird placing a nice warm one on Donald Trump’s nest.
Go on a “Cause I’m Petty” Tour with Cornel West. Post-2008 Cornel West has become nothing less than a menace to Barack Obama’s tenure as President. He’s like the side chick that gets mad after you tell her you’re not ready for another committed relationship—he’s still bitter he wasn’t introduced to the family. While Tavis Smiley seems to have sipped and swallowed his Lemonade, West is still eating his petty spaghetti. After Bernie’s recent humiliation, hearing of Obama’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton from reporters just hours after meeting with him, I’m pretty sure Cornel West still has leftovers to share. Bernie, you want a glass of Lemonade with that petty spaghetti?
Open up a restaurant called Bernie Bros. That name alone is very catching. All the waiters will have man buns, crocks and lumberjack swag. No women or other minority groups will be allowed to have leadership roles because we all know they don’t know what’s best for them. Of course, the main location should be in a gentrified neighborhood of Brooklyn (Bernie’s hometown). The menu will include Collard Greens with Smothered Tofu, Gluten-Free Bernie Mac-n-cheese, Tuition-free Ramen Noodles, 0 calorie Malt liquor and much more.
Release a joint album with Killer Mike. Another option is for Bernie to move to College Park and record one of the hottest mixtapes ever. If Ben Carson could do it, I’m sure Bernie Sanders can with guidance from the one and only Killer Mike. As with any hip hop artist, there’s this sort of savior complex theme that reflects “lyrical” abilities. Kanye became Yeezus. Jay-Z became Hova. Why not be sacrilegious and make Bernie the next Saint MLK? I mean…isn’t that his supporters calling card for why black folks should have chosen him.
Other options include a Feel The Bern Clinic, Inc. and a #BernieOrBustThatThangWideOpen contest. (Hey! What else is there to do on a boring Saturday evening than to watch Twerk Team videos?)
Or he could just support the current Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton, like he said he would while pushing for his progressive agenda. Now, there’s a thought.