In case you haven’t heard already, BuzzFeed published a video with a list a questions for black people from black people. The video was a bunch of questions that can basically be reduced to, “Why you make us look bad in front of white people?” As explained before, this is another form of intra-racism but from the perspective of a black kid raised in or trying to catapult themselves into suburbia. You know…a classist paradise.
Now, I strongly believe in promoting what I love and not what I hate. So, this isn’t going to be a long
stink think piece about what’s wrong with these questions. Just google “27 questions Buzzfeed,” and you’ll have all your think pieces ready for the picking. However, I would like to take on a satirical approach to answering these questions (a la Black Twitter’s awesome response with #BuzzfeedVideoQuestions).
1. “Why is it so hard to be on time?”
Because we’re always fashionably late. But everyone knows time is relative to culture.
2. “If my dab is on fleek, am I lit?”
Not if you have to ask.
3. “Why is it a problem if I like anime?”
Ask the creators of Afro Samurai
4. “Why do black people look at your shoes before they greet you?”
5. “Why are we more likely to engage in the new dance trend than we are to get involved in politics or opening a business?”
Ask Barack Obama, Corey Booker, Tristan Walker or Lisa Price. They may know.
6. “How did watermelon become our thing?”
Ask Raven Symone.
7. “Why do you get upset when I don’t like a black celebrity?”
‘Cause you haters corny with that Illuminati mess.
8. “Why do we call each other the N-word but get vehemently upset when a white person uses the N-word?”
In the words of Paul Mooney, “It keeps my teeth white.”
9. “Why is my natural hair, the hair that grows out of my head, seen as a political statement?”
To quote Paul Mooney again, “‘Cause when it’s nappy, white people ain’t happy.”
10. “Why do we think people with light skin look better than people with dark skin?”
11. “Do you really believe that black is beautiful or it just something that you say because it sounds cool?”
Are you beautiful…or nah?
12. “Why do some black people say that you’re pretty ‘for a dark-skinned girl’?”
Because they’re just as ignorant as you are for asking that question.
13. “Why do some black men only date white women?”
Again…because they’re just as ignorant as you are for asking that question.
14. “Why is it OK for black men to date white women, but not OK for a black woman to date outside her race?”
Again…refer to questions 12 and 13.
15. “Why do you protest Black Lives Matter and then tear each other down in the next breath?”
ALL DAMN! Don’t you start with this Ray Lewis black-on-black crime bullshit.
16. “Why do we say that we don’t want to be seen as a monolith but then try to take people’s black cards away for not liking something that’s supposedly black?”
Please resubmit your application to the Black Card Headquarters at 1965 MLK BLVD Harlem, New York 10029 for further review.
17. “Why are we so quick to support a non-black-owned business, but then hesitate when it’s a black-owned business?”
You know what…I’m tired of answering these dumb ass questions. Don’t you have a cousin Pookie or Keyshia to answer these questions for you. I’m tapped out.
*Skips to question 21.* Why is there a checklist for being black?
Because we like checking heauxes. That’s the last question for today folks. Please submit any other questions to your local NAACP.