Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the dearly departed Nicki Minaj’s rap career. After seven days of brain damage, Nicki Minaj’s rap career went on to glory. Let’s celebrate her run as the Queen of Rap before her career transitions on to pop stardom Glory Greens with Iggy Azalea’s.
Nicki Minaj’s colorful pink career has had a great run. The throne was practically wide open for her to claim. Missy was dealing with health issues. Lil Kim was perpetually on the cutting table. (Look out for her on the new season of Botched.) Lauryn Hill has been running late like her menstrual cycle for the past 15 years. (Thank god for the tying of tubes those Marley’s swimmers will beat Michael Phelps in the Olympics.) Trina was losing it over Lil Wayne…Lil Wayne y’all. Remy Ma was locked up. And Foxy Brown…well…. So, there were not many opponents for the Minaj to take on. There were a slew of beefs, with annoying pop stars became open targets. “Miley what’s good?”
However, the formidable Remy Ma was released. A few jabs and shots later, the “Shether” happened. What appeared to be out of nowhere was obviously strategic in manner. Barbie’s former Ken had tea time with Remy. I mean “Shether” answered every question we ever asked about Nicki. Was she really as talented as her ghostwriter? How botched was her posterior? Did she smash the homie Drake? Was the beef between Drake and Meek really a publicity stunt for Mona Scott’s Love & Hip Hop Young Money? Is she a feminist, a womanist or a just a plain old capitalist? Is she a good role model for Black girls? And even after all these questions were answered, Remy taunted her with “Another One.” It was at this moment her career was taking off of life support with Mariah Carey pulling the card and pronouncing the cause of death—a lyrical hit to the cranium causing blood and social media blockage. Then Mariah hit them with the whistle register, “Will the real M-C please step to the mic?”
Onika “Nicki Minaj” Miraj we will miss your fake ass…and I’ll miss those future publishing checks.
This obituary was written by Safaree Samuels.