On October 4, 2015 9:07 PM, the flimsy magazine, Cosmopolitan, proclaimed the ubiquitous Kardashians to be America’s First Family…and the apocalypse happened. A year from this date, the Kardashians will be on the History Channel‘s “This Day In History.” Not because of some ground-breaking act or accomplishment, but because overly zealous think pieces. Here are five subjects more worthy of a think piece than discussing why Cosmos shouldn’t call the Kardashians America’s First Family.
The Kardashians are good at a lot of things, but manipulating the media is their forte. Love them or hate them, these women are smart. These women have catapulted themselves to millionaire status off of selfies alone. That’s what you call ingenuity. It seems legitimate for a magazine targeting teeny boppers and immature women to put the Kardashians on their cover, designating them America’s First Family. So, why is everyone mad? Seriously, have you ever opened a Cosmos? That shit is full of Olivia Pope-esque relationship advice for desperate women. Sure, a big-breasted diva on the cover may entice you to flip through it. But trust me. You shouldn’t. You can imagine how much of a shit I gave when I heard the Kardashians were called America’s First Family by Cosmos. I didn’t. My colon was and will remain clean. No amount of prune juice or wheat thins could make me give one. Besides, who wants to see Michelle Obama on the cover of a magazine featuring an article titled “How To Give Your Man That Becky & Make Him Fall In Love?” Yet, there are a plethora a think pieces and think-piece-length Facebook comments protesting the cover. Well, call me a hypocrite. Here’s my “think piece” about subjects that are more worthy of a think piece rather than a think piece about the Kardashians being called America’s first family by the non-think-piece-worthy Cosmopolitan magazine:
“Why These Girls Fighting Over Soulja Boy, Ray J and Rich Dollaz?”
These specimens have passed the lame n***a factory’s quality test. They’ve been packaged and purchased by Mona Scott Young to be used and exploited in her docu-series “Delusional Reality Stars With Low Self-esteem” aka Love & Hip Hop. Seriously! What is it about these men that have these women dickmatized? Okay, a few of these women need to visit an orthodontist and seek mental health, but these beautiful, well-proportioned women are fighting over dudes with necks shaped like uncircumcised penises…meanwhile I’m single. I need a think piece explaining this phenomenon.
“How Botched Instagram Models Are Killing the Fitness Industry One Waist Trainer at a Time?”
I can’t knock anyone’s hustle. But do people really believe that they’ll be as fine as Kim Kardashian by simply squeezing their intestines against their esophagus? How can I be a part of this scam? I feel sorry for all the certified trainers because their industry is under attack. Dieting, hard work and discipline are so 2013. If your training sessions don’t come with complimentary weight loss tea and saran wrap, by 2016, you’ll be unemployed. I need a think piece explaining this phenomenon also.
When you first meet her vs. when she take her waist trainer off pic.twitter.com/6LStA8Z0kS
— Negus SugarcaneSlim (@CypressMoss) October 9, 2015
“How Donald Trump’s Quick Weave Can Eliminate Economic Inequality?”
Donald Trump’s hair is an economical miracle. He’s been rocking that quick weave since the dawn of time. What is his secret? Is it all in the glue? What is the formula for this glue? Do you know how much money this will save black women and now black men? I need the formula for this magical super glue. Move out the way Dudley Products and Carol’s Daughter. Matter of fact, forget a think piece. I’m researching this subject for myself.
“The Monotones of Ben Carson’s Voice and How They Can Save Ukrain From The Russian Invasion”
I wanna know because I need it. My brain just won’t let me fall asleep before 1:00 AM. Dr. Carson himself said he battled with anger issues as a child. And I believe him. Did y’all see Gifted Hands? That rascal was about to demolish his depressed momma over some chicken from a “Popeye’s organization.” …Okay, it wasn’t chicken. I don’t remember what it was. But I know it was something real petty, and he needed whatever medication he’s taking. He seems so relaxed now. I need Spotify to create a playlist of Ben Carson speeches to help me fall asleep at night.
Ben Carson is one whispering ass hitta.
— Negus SugarcaneSlim (@CypressMoss) October 9, 2015
“Where is Frank Ocean, and When Will We Know If Boys Truly Don’t Cry?”
We’ve already given up on Lauryn Hill. Hell, Janet Jackson and D’Angelo have released albums before she has. But where in the world is Frank? Is he pulling a Lauryn? July has passed, and now we’re in October. Yet, still no Boys Don’t Cry. I need a think piece explaining why our most prolific artists take eons to produce music while we beg artist like Young Thug and Nicki Minaj to have a seat somewhere.
There are obviously more subjects worthy of a think piece, but this is all I have the patience to acknowledge. What other subjects are more worthy of being addressed in a think piece than Cosmopolitan magazine calling the Kardashians America’s First Family?